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Writer's pictureLindsay Sheldrake

Diary of a Leader: The Messy Middle of Leadership - Rescuing vs. Coaching

Updated: 2 days ago

Welcome to "Diary of a Leader" - Real Stories, Leadership Lessons, and Personal Growth

 
A Leader reflecting on the leadership lesson: The art of listening in leadership
"Diary of a Leader" - The Messy Middle of Leadership - Rescuing vs. Coaching


Ah, leadership! The thrilling, heart-racing journey of ups, downs, and all the delightful chaos in between.


Welcome to "Diary of a Leader," where I peel back the curtain on the good, the bad, and the downright awkward moments of being a leader.






And today, I’m serving up a leadership lesson that falls into what I like to call the "messy middle"—that critical moment when you’re helping someone, but things start to shift. Suddenly, you’re no longer just assisting; you’re either stepping into a role of coaching or rescuing.


Let’s be honest—it’s easy to fall into the trap of rescuing. We all want to be the hero, right? But as a leader, this is a dangerous place to be.

 

The “Buffering” Moment: When the Wheel Keeps Spinning


Think of it like this: You know that little spinning wheel on your computer when it’s buffering? Time is passing, but you’re not sure if anything is actually happening. It’s frustrating and unclear. That’s the buffering moment in leadership—the point where you realize something is stuck, and you have to make a choice.


Do you step in and rescue, or do you take a step back and coach?


Here’s the tough part: Rescuing feels good at first. You’re the hero, you’re solving the problem, and you think you’re helping. But what happens when this becomes a cycle? You’re not just rescuing—you’re enabling. And this is where things get messy.



The Dreaded Drama Triangle: Rescuing, Victims, and Persecutors


Stephen Karpman describes this dynamic as the Dreaded Drama Triangle (DDT). In this triangle, you’re the rescuer, the person you’re “helping” is the victim, and there’s a persecutor—the bad guy. At first glance, it feels like you’re doing the right thing by saving the victim from the persecutor. But what’s actually happening?


It’s a co-dependent relationship. The victim stays in their role, the persecutor continues their poor behavior, and you, the rescuer, keep stepping in. But here’s the big learning:

As the rescuer, you’re contributing to this cycle. By constantly saving the victim, you’re preventing them from taking ownership of their situation and creating change.



The Better Path: Coaching and Empowering


So, what’s the better option?


When you hit that buffering moment, you need to choose. Are you going to rescue and save, or are you going to coach and empower?


Stephen Karpman offers a more productive alternative called the TED Triangle (The Empowerment Dynamic). Here, the roles shift: the victim becomes the creator, the persecutor turns into a challenger, and you, the leader, become the coach. This approach fosters a co-creative environment where everyone has a role in finding solutions and making progress.


In the TED Triangle, the challenger is a good thing. They bring diversity of thought and new perspectives. The creator takes ownership of their role and responsibility for outcomes. And as the coach, you guide, facilitate, and support without stepping in to “save” the day. It’s about empowerment, not dependence.



Why Rescuing Feels Good but Leads to Resentment


Let’s get real: Rescuing feels amazing—at first. You get that rush of satisfaction from saving the day. But soon after, it leads to frustration. Why? Because you’ll find yourself rescuing over and over again. The dependency cycle will continue, and you’ll be stuck in the middle, feeling drained and frustrated.


Eventually, frustration turns into resentment. And that’s the last place you want to be as a leader. But the fact that you’re reading this means you’re already in a volunteer mindset—ready to take control and lead differently. So, instead of rescuing, choose to coach and create an environment where everyone grows.



My Own Experience: When I Fell Into the Trap


I’ve been there. I’ve fallen into the rescue trap before, and unfortunately, it didn’t end well. There was a point where I had to step back and let things run their course. It’s hard, and sometimes, it feels like walking away is the only option.


But I learned that as leaders, our role isn’t to create co-dependents. Our job is to create co-creators—people who take ownership, face challenges, and work towards solutions. That’s how you build a team of leaders, not a team of people waiting to be rescued.



The Leadership Shift: From Rescuer to Coach


So, how do you break the cycle? Here’s what I’ve learned:


  • Recognize the Buffering Moment - The minute you feel like time is passing but there’s no forward motion, ask yourself: Are you about to rescue, or is this the time to coach? Be intentional about choosing empowerment over quick fixes.


  • Embrace the TED Triangle - Shift your thinking. See the challenger as an opportunity for growth, guide your team to become creators, and focus on being a coach. This turns the situation from co-dependence to co-creation.


  • Lead with Long-Term Growth in Mind - Rescuing is a short-term solution that feels good temporarily. Coaching creates long-term results that benefit everyone. The satisfaction from seeing someone take control of their situation and grow as a leader far outweighs the temporary high of rescuing them..



Wrapping Up (Because Time is Precious)


Here’s the big takeaway: Leadership isn’t about rescuing—it’s about creating more leaders. 

By shifting from rescuer to coach, you empower your team to step into their own power and find their way forward. This isn’t just better for them; it’s better for you. It moves you from frustration and resentment to satisfaction and joy.


Next time you hit that buffering stage, remember to ask yourself: Are you about to rescue, or are you about to coach? One leads to dependency. The other leads to growth.


Catch you next time, fellow leaders-in-training—and remember, your role is to create co-creators, not co-dependents.


Leader having fun while connecting with others
Choosing not to 'RESCUE' my husband while camping in the snow on our anniversary

Stay tuned for more reflections and lessons from the trenches of leadership in the next installment of


"Diary of a Leader"






 

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